Knox Presbyterian Church

This is the second sermon in a series based on Colossians 3:1-17.  A supplement text is James 3:5-10

Since today is Mother’s Day, I thought I’d recall a few of the things I’m pretty sure my mother used to say.

You probably recall your mother saying some of these things too. Or maybe you’ve even said some of them to your own children or grandchildren and then thought to yourself, “Have I just become my mother?”

As a kid, I’d often complain about being bored and about having nothing to do. My mom would always respond to my complaints by saying something like, “You’re Bored? How can you be bored? If you’re so bored, I’ll find something for you to do. You know where the vacuum cleaner is, don’t you?”

My sister and I often spent a lot of time playing outside in the summer. Sometimes we’d run back in the house to get something we wanted to play with or to get a drink of water. If we did that too often she’d yell, “In or Out!” And, if we slammed the door on our way in our out, I’m pretty sure we heard about that too.

As I think back, there’s one saying I’m pretty sure my mother never actually said, at least to me was. That saying was, “Finish your supper. Think about those poor starving children in Africa.” I’m pretty sure she never said that, because I usually had no problem cleaning my plate. Even so, I do recall that whenever I complained that I was “starving” she would say something like, “You don’t even know what starving is.”

All I can say is thank goodness for mothers. I mean, imagine what a poor, uncivilized world this would be without all those wonderful mothers working so hard to keep us all on track. Without them, our world would probably descend into something like Animal House or Lord of the Flies.

Today, we’re going to talk about another bit of motherly advice.

That advice might be captured at least in a limited way by one of the most famous sayings from our mothers, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all.”  But the best way, perhaps, to think about it is to recall that old saying from Smokey the Bear: “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

Our text for today from James, talks about the power of the tongue saying, “How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire.” That’s quite a vivid image to help us picture the destructive power of the tongue.

Now, lots of fires in the forest are set quite unintentionally because we simply have not been careful enough.

We’ve all had something slip off our tongue, quite unintentionally, and before we knew it, what we said has done its damage and no matter how much we might wish it to be so, there is little we can do to take it back.

At the same time, though, there are other fires that are set quite intentionally.

I’m pretty sure we’ve also had times where we’ve known exactly the power of something we choose to say and still, we let it rip. We may not care a wit about its consequences or even worse we hope it will do exactly what we wish. We hope it will set ablaze a roaring forest fire.

James encourages us to never underestimate the power of the tongue, whether we are intentional or not in what we say.

James also points out the irony of the tongue. It can do great good while at the same time also doing great evil. James puts it this way saying, “With it we bless the Lord and Father and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.”

And then James says, “My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so.”

With our speech we can bless people, encourage them, strengthen them, and build them up. But we can also curse them, discourage them, weaken them, and break them down. We can bless God while at the same time curse others. And yet it ought not to be so.

The warning here is that we ought to be careful with how we use our tongue by watching what we say and how we say it. It would be good for us to always keep Old Smokey’s advice in mind when we get ready to say something.

Say it with me: “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

Paul in his letter to the church in Colosse offers the same sort of advice. Paul warns that we ought to be very careful with our speech. We are not to speak with anger, wrath, malice, slander, or abusive language. He also adds that we ought not to lie to one another.

Paul is not making a suggestion here. He is laying out an insistent demand for those who claim to be followers of Christ. And, just as James did, Paul provides us with a rather vivid image to capture our imagination.

Paul says these old ways of communicating, these old ways of relating to one another, ought to be stripped bare from our bodies. They ought to be cast off like clothes we no longer wish to wear. They are to have no part of us. We are to wear them no more.

Why is Paul so insistent about this?

Because these old ways of being are destructive to the health of the body of Christ. They are like a cancer that eats away at the body. They destroy relationships. They ruin the health of the church. This is why Paul insists we must do everything in our power to prevent it from happening.

Today, I want to address two ways of speaking with one another that have the same sort of power to destroy a church. These are things that happen in all sorts of churches. In fact, there are books and books written about them.

These are things that happen in our church too, but I think we can take some comfort in the fact that we are not alone.

I share these, hoping we will learn better ways to communicate with one another and to create a different, healthier culture for our church by choosing to be more intentional about how we listen to and speak to one another.

We can do it. Especially if we take seriously that one piece of advice, “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

The most obvious form of damaging communication is gossip. Now I should start off by saying that not all gossip is bad…

If someone comes up to me and says “Hey did you know that so and so are having a bit of a rough time in their marriage?” And if it’s true they are having problems, then passing on that bit of news to me as a Pastor gives me an chance to follow up with them and to offer an opportunity to visit and counsel with them. It gives me a chance to extend the love and concern of the church and Christ to them.

But, that’s not the sort of gossip I am talking about though. I’m talking about gossip that is destructive.

The interesting thing about gossip is this: While we are very likely to pass on good news we happen to hear about a friend, we are also just as – if not even more – likely to pass on damaging, negative personal information that involves someone we don’t particularly like or that we see as our rival.

As information gets passed around, what may have begun as a kernel of truth, changes and morphs into something totally and completely different, doing greater and greater damage as the truth gets stretched thinner and thinner.
Here’s a way you can test if you have some information you wonder if you should share with another person. There are three filters you can use to assess the whether something is gossip or not:

The first filter is Truth: Are you absolutely sure the statement is true?

The second filter is Goodness: Does the statement say something good about the other person?

The third filter is Usefulness: Is the statement useful in some way?

It’s not necessary for all three filters to be fulfilled. For example, a statement may be true and useful but may still say something bad about another person. While it could hurt the other person, there may still be some value in saying it.

The three-filter test is most useful when none of the conditions are fulfilled: If you’r not sure that it’s true, if it’s not good, and if it’s not useful, then it should be discarded as mere gossip. And if it’s gossip then it shouldn’t be said at all.

The second form of communication is one that absolutely drives me nuts. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this or how many times I’ve been a victim of it. This form of communication is called triangulation.

It usually works like this.

Let’s say, someone has an issue with me. Maybe I’ve offended them in some way. Or I’ve done something they don’t like. Or they just want to pass on some sort of message to me. But for whatever reason they don’t want to tell me directly or deal with me directly.

So they find someone else to tell. And then they send that person to tell me. Or that person takes it upon themselves to tell me, saying something like, “I just thought you should know that someone I know is concerned about this or that.”

So that person shares that information with me. Sometimes they might say who the other person is but other times they might not. So the question becomes for me: What am I supposed to do about that?

I mean…I know someone has an issue with me, but I have no meaningful way to deal with it. I can’t gauge how upset they really are. I don’t know if it was just some sort of misunderstanding. And worse…If I don’t even know who the person is, I can’t approach them to try to mend the relationship.

Again this happens all the time, and it happens in all sorts of relationships. Not just in the church, but in our families, in our neighborhoods, and in the places we work.

Why does this happen?

It happens because we are afraid of conflict. We don’t want to offend or upset so instead of dealing with an issue directly we try to find another way to deal with it. The truth is though directly dealing with someone is not a bad thing. In fact it is the only way that issues can be resolved and relationships can be repaired and healed.

All triangulation does is make things worse. So, here is what should really happen:

The person who has a concern with another person, should directly approach the one they are upset with. They should carry their feelings, concerns, or opinions directly to the other person. They should never involve a middle person.

But we all know this doesn’t always happen. More often than not we find ourselves caught in the middle. If you’re being dragged into it, then you can, and you should say:

You know what? This doesn’t concern me. If it’s that important to you, you really should approach them. They’re the only one who can address your concern. They’re the only one who can mend the relationship.

Sometimes, a three-way conversation will help too. The important thing, though, in all situations of triangulation, is to find some way to encourage the person who has a concern with another to deal directly with the one they are concerned.

I’m sure I could go on, but that’s enough for us to work on for now. Remember, if you’re dealing with gossip or triangulation the challenge for us in all of this is:

1. to bless people through telling the truth, not curse them through telling stories about them, and

2. to speak directly to them, not speak to others about them.

This can be hard stuff to put in practice, but it is worth the work. This is how our church, our families, and our work places, can function better. It is how all our relationships can be healthier.

All you really have to do is remember and act on the truth that “Only you can prevent forest fires.”